An Annual Tradition

OK, so it's that time of year when I repost my Holiday Rant. This was originally written about a week before Thanksgiving 2003... I just re-read it and I still feel the same way. So without further ado...

THE HOLIDAY RANT
so, i've sit down at the screen to vent and to share, once again. i just want to tell you how much i hate christmas. it basically all boils down to this...

1) i am not religious. at all. not one fucking bit. yep, in case you didn't already know this about me -- i'm an atheist, and i don't believe in god. at all. none of them, in any form. and i certainly don't believe in some anarchist named jesus. thus, the "true meaning of christmas" constantly being referred to by the mass media and the ever-effective advertising machine is a load of bullshit to me. honestly, i have as much business celebrating christmas as i do celebrating ramadan.

2) even if i did believe that the birth of jesus (which, by the way, was NOT december 25th, or ANY day in december for that matter) was worth celebrating, i fucking HATE the idea/tradition that spending hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars on presents for others has anything to do with it. the whole thing is a giant gift-giving chain reaction on the order of a nuclear explosion. and it's such BULLSHIT that anyone should feel guilty if they get a gift from someone they didn't get a gift for.

3) i never get anything good. and i'm not saying this because it's about the presents. no, i'm saying this because i hate opening shitty gifts that i don't want or need. be honest -- most of the gifts we get are shit. we all get junk most of the time. and you know why? because people just buy you a gift because they have to, and they secretly hate christmas, too, and can't afford to buy wonderful gifts for everyone. so you end up getting the 10-in-1 handy screwdriver/hammer/radio/emergency beacon/umbrella packaged in the elegant leather case with the brass clasp from macy's (???). and then when you open said present, you're supposed to act a) all fucking surprised, b) as if it's exactly the thing you absolutely NEEDED, and c) how in FUCKSSAKE did they read your mind, beacuse it's EXACTLY want you wanted!

3) in addition to the pressured giving of presents, there's all the FUCKING ACCOUTERMENTS you need to make christmas FEEL like the picture in the goddamn pottery barn catalog -- ESPECIALLY if you live in california, since there's no snow OR reindeer this side of the rockies.

i have absoFUCKINGloutely NO need for brass stocking holders for the mantle, wreaths, tree ornaments, SCARVES, mittens, beanies with dingleballs HANGING (for shitssake) from them, cable knit sweaters with pictures of skiers on them, pinecones/wreathes/mistletoe/poinsettia/PINE TREES/holly (unless she's blonde), spice scented ANYTHING, strands of twinkling/non-twinkling multicolored/white lights, or anything with green AND red (i mean, think about it! those colors don't go together in anything else at any other time of the year! they DON'T fucking match!).

4) i HATE all the parties and get-togethers that are meant to "celebrate" christmas. let's face it: all these events we are pressured to attend only add stress to our lives and consume the precious little free time we have for ourselves.

and for what? if it's a work/business related event, then we have to spend time with all these assholes we ALREADY spend all day with, just so we can pretend to have a laughingly great time with -- when the truth is that we wouldn't socialize with most of them outside of work EVER.

if it's a friends and/or family gathering, shouldn't we be getting together with them ANYWAY? why the fuck do we need christmas to get together?

and the bottom line is that we don't celebrate the birth of christ IN ANY WAY at these parties. most of the time, we're all engaged in hedonistic and gluttonous behavior that would send you straight to HELL (if you even believe in that crap), like getting drunk, hitting on your (married) coworkers, showing off our new holiday outfits, and throwing out hard earned income in the form of UNNEEDED and UNNECESSARY gifts. SINNERS!!!

5) christmas cards.
a. a waste of money.
b. a waste of time.
c. a waste of stamps.
d. writer's cramp.
e. and most of all... SOMEONE ELSE'S WORDS WE TRY OT PASS OFF AS OUR OWN SINCERITY.

6) every "christmas" tradition is rooted in PAGAN ritual!!! can you fucking believe that? santa claus, christmas trees, and even the fact that it's in december. (and don't even get me started on easter traditions.) the ONLY tradition related to the birth of christ is going to church -- and we KNOW how many of us do that.

7) I HATE CHRISTMAS MUSIC. I HATE EVERY FUCKING SONG, AND MY HATRED GROWS EVERY TIME I AM FORCED TO LISTEN TO THE SAME SONGS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN (i actually typed that --i didn't copy and paste). which is to say that MY HATRED GROWS EXPONENTIALLY every hour.


ok, so what got me started on this one? well, i was forced by lisa to go christmas shopping today... oh WAIT! that's another one!

8) i hate that the christmas season starts earlier and earlier each fucking year!! i know that everyone points it out, but it's still mind blowing! we haven't even had thanksgiving, and already the stores have gone completely APESHIT into christmas mode. if you can believe it, my local long's drugs had displays of christmas tree ornaments the day after halloween! at this rate, i predict that by the year 2010, the official start of christmas season will the day after the last day of summer. FURTHERMORE, i predict that by 2030, christmas will be a year-round event. (it sickens me to think that there are actually people out there that can't wait for the year 2030.)


so as i was saying... i was DRAGGED out to go christmas shopping on MY DAY OFF...

as i walked around in shorts and a t-shirt (it was 68 degrees -- fahrenheit, not kelvin), i was surrounded be MORONS in raincoats (it was not raining) cable knit sweaters, mittens, scarves, and knit caps. "this is california," i wanted to scream! instead they all looked at ME as if iiiiiii were the crazy one.

i was trying to find presents for other people, but i found that i "couldn't find anything." you hear that phrase a lot this time of year, right? you know why? it's because we're all running around trying to buy UNNEEDED and UNNECESSARY crap for other people. no wonder it's hard to find "gift inspiration." it's because there's no real need for the gifts we're trying to buy.

instead, i find oodles and oodles of shit i want to buy for MYSELF! it's downright INSIDIOUS, i tell you! it's all part of capitalism's master plan. the irony is that most of us are on limited incomes, and therefore, i really can't afford to buy all this great shit for myself. instead, i have to save my pennies to buy UNNEEDED and UNNECESSARY crap of other people! DOUBLE STUFFED FUCK!

over the last couple of christmas seasons, i've averaged spending about $5 on every $1 i spend on someone else. and guess what? today was no exception. i bought myself three CDs, a scanner, and a nickel plated wine bottle coaster whilst i was "christmas shopping for others." not bad! considering that i was very tempted to buy myself about $1500 worth of other shit i stumbled across.

goddammit, i as SO fed up with this shit. EVERY YEAR! i'm drained, i tell you. and it's seven days 'til thanksgiving.